Category Archives: Fashion

How To Look Put Together (For Girls Who Are Not Put Together) – Part Three: Makeup, Hair, and Grooming

Well, we’ve come to the end of the line, ladies (and/or people who like to dress like ladies). I’ve told you my best tips for clothing, accessories, and now we just have the final touches: makeup, hair, and general grooming.

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How To Look Put Together (For Girls Who Are Not Put Together) – Part Two: Accessories

In part one of my wildly popular new series on how girls (or people who dress in women’s clothing) can look put together without actually being put together in the slightest, I discussed exclusively clothes. But there’s so much more to an outfit than clothes (unfortunately for our wallets).  And so this week I present part two of my primer, aka The Part of Being A Girl I Am The Worst At: Shoes/Accessories.
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How To Look Put Together (For Girls Who Are Not Put Together) – Part One: Clothing

Being a girl is a mysterious, frustrating thing. At a certain age, people start expecting you to look, if not fashionable, at least put together. Guys get a free pass on wearing roughly the same uniform every day (my brother, for example, wears cargos/jeans, sneakers, a t-shirt, and a hoodie if it is cold, and has for his entire teenaged and adult life), but not girls. Clothing, hair, and makeup become hobbies that take up exorbitant amounts of time and money no matter how hard you try to avoid it. And the worst part is, at no point are you given a class or primer on how to do this stuff, you’re just supposed to magically know it.

I’m 26, I’m employed, and at some point I realized I have managed to trick people into thinking I have my shit together, appearance-wise. I have one co-worker who’s always commenting on how cute and fashionable I am. Considering that in seventh grade I thought the height of fashion was cutting up tights and wearing them as sleeves, I think this qualifies as character growth.

The thing is, I am two things that are very antithetical to Being A Girl, and that is that I am both lazy and cheap. But the nice thing about being lazy and cheap is that you develop really great shortcuts so people don’t know how lazy and cheap you are. And I realized one day, as I was getting ready for work, that the world deserved to know these. Surely, there are many girls out there who, like me, are lazy, cheap, and just want people to think they know what they’re doing when it comes to their personal appearance. And so I present to you this very long, detailed blog post for every lazy, cheap girl out there who’s just like me.

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Scotch Tape and I: A Love Letter from the Manicure-Incompetent

For someone who considers themselves an artist, I am absolute shit at painting my nails.

It’s weird, give me anything resembling a pencil and I can draw ornate detail that would make baby angels weep. But the second you put a brush with paint in my hand – and this is true of painting things besides nails – I turn into a shaky mess. I like to keep my nails painted at all times, and I usually use the extremely sophisticated “paint your entire finger and then wash a bunch of dishes under hot water” method for getting the entire nail but getting the nail polish off the finger. My sister, who is a nursery school teacher, has informed me that one of her students could paint nails better than I could. Even if they were having a seizure. I’m pretty sure she wasn’t being mean and those are just the facts.

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The Olympics are Fabulous (Sometimes)

In case my excessive tweeting hadn’t tipped anyone off, I fucking love the Olympics. Love them. I spent the entire afternoon enraptured by fencing. (And looking up lessons, because nothing says “good idea” like me and sharp objects, am I right?) I also love making bitchy, sarcastic commentary on things I probably have no business critiquing, and because I was bored today, I decided what better to do than semi-belatedly (and only on the internet can “24 hours after” be considered “belated”) critique the fashion from the Parade of Nations? That’s right. Nothing could be better. After all, coming together as a world to mock countries that aren’t ours is what the Olympics are really about.

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The Fairest of them All – The 2011 Golden Globes Edition

I realized, as I was sitting around in my stained pajamas in desperate need of a shower, that I hadn’t partaken in my one of my favorite past-times in a while. By that, I of course mean judging the sartorial choices of others.  And what better event to do it at than my favorite of all awards shows, the Golden Globes? Because I really, truly adore the Golden Globes. They’re the drunken child of the Emmys and the Oscars, a place where I don’t have to differentiate or choose between my favorite movie stars and television stars, because they’re all in one crowded ballroom getting increasingly, gloriously plastered.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year, really.

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The Fairest of them All – the 2009 Emmys edition

Kittens, I should let you know that, on occasion, I take a break from grading family members on the quality of their burps and pondering exactly how long I can manage to get away with wearing the same pair of underwear to engage in some stereotypically female behavior. Namely – dress ogling.

The Emmys are a fabulous time for me to do this, because, unlike at other awards shows, I know all these people. I don’t watch movies, but boy oh boy, do I watch me some television. And that makes for good oglage.

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