Monthly Archives: August 2011

Blind dates with arugula – an anti-pretentious restaurant manifesto (Originally for CliqueClack Food)

I have a vendetta against restaurants. It’s a thing.

First of all, the word “restaurant” is just really irritating to spell. That u always evades me. Where does it go? Why does it look wrong no matter where I put it? I also have a phobia of restaurants that stems from a childhood bout of food poisoning in one, which doesn’t help matters. But most of all, I really hate “quality” restaurant menus. Whenever I go to a restaurant, I feel like I’ve been set up on an awkward blind date with the menu. It’s a perfectly nice menu, but it’s like the kind of menu that’s never gotten laid and is trying way too hard to impress me by appearing more worldly and cultured. I am never attracted to that person/menu. I usually end up sleeping with the Kid’s Menu, their much sexier younger sibling, and the waiters all judge me for it. “The kid’s menu?” They ask, like I’m one of those middle-aged men who refuse to date anyone over the age of thirty. “I mean, I guess you could order from that if you want…”

Yes, yes I do want.

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