I realized, as I was sitting around in my stained pajamas in desperate need of a shower, that I hadn’t partaken in my one of my favorite past-times in a while. By that, I of course mean judging the sartorial choices of others. And what better event to do it at than my favorite of all awards shows, the Golden Globes? Because I really, truly adore the Golden Globes. They’re the drunken child of the Emmys and the Oscars, a place where I don’t have to differentiate or choose between my favorite movie stars and television stars, because they’re all in one crowded ballroom getting increasingly, gloriously plastered.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year, really.
The Best Dressed List
Kyra Sedgwick gets it wrong so, so often. And when she gets it wrong, she gets it really, spectacularly wrong. But when she gets it right, it’s like the heavens part and the angels sing. I love the golden color, I love that there’s a ruffle there but it’s not fussy I love the turquoise in her jewelry. The only criticism I could possibly make is that her clutch is too matchy-matchy, but you know what? Who cares. She looks great.
It must be so hard to dress in Hollywood if you’re not a perfect Barbie doll of a human being. And so often, Amber Riley gets the shaft and wears dresses I think are way too boring for her. She’s young, she’s absolutely gorgeous, and she’s a diva. I love that this was finally the awards show she snapped and said no more boring numbers, she was going to sparkle. Normally, I would say “thou shalt not sparkle from head to toe like a giant disco ball” would be a fashion commandment of mine but damn if she doesn’t pull it off. Th color is great on her, the belt is perfectly placed to make her figure look amazing, and I just love everything about this outfit. Get it, girl.
Easily my best-dressed award of the night goes to Dianna Agron. Which, to be honest, is a little unfair. The girl is almost supernaturally beautiful. She is mind-bogglingly, ego-cripplingly beautiful. She could get away with almost anything, and yet she chose to wear my favorite things, ie: subtle sparkle,a hefty nod to old-Hollywood glamour, and a kickass red lip. I would ask her to give me fashion advice, but I think the first trick to being as fabulous as Dianna Agron is “look like Dianna Agron”.
Normally I don’t devote time to fashions that are “meh” because, well, who cares? You either want to see something spectacular or you want to see something deliciously awful. But this year, I think we need to have a “meh” section to a trend I loved that, unfortunately, while it had a lot of representation on the carpet this year, had no good representation. Namely, dark, rich greens.
As a pale redhead, I love dark greens. But man, I could not get behind any of the dresses reppin’ it last night. Take Angie‘s Dynasty-tastic silhouette there. What is that upper torso? It makes her look like she’s constantly stuck in the inhale of a giant breath, an her shoulders look like they’re going to take out someone’s eye.
None of these green dresses are better. Look, I know making texture is really in right now, but there’s such a thing as too much, and all of these are tragically over-worked. They need about 50% less pleating and an iron. Especially you, Catherine Zeta-Jones. You look like a statue covered in moss. A gorgeous statue, but a moss-covered statue nonetheless.
You guys, you are showing off my favorite color. Could you please tone it down a little? Let the color shine on its own. Thank you.
The Magnificently Awful
Under normal circumstances, Helena Bonham Carter and Tilda Swinton would be getting pretty harshly judged by me right now, but screw it. These two women don’t adhere to our fashion rules. They don’t even live in our fashion galaxy. They’re talented enough that they can do whatever the heck they want and I will just say bravo, continue to keep on keeping on.
Congratulations, Natalie Portman, on being incandescently pregnant. You are lovely and talented and I wish you the best of luck. But I have to say, girl, from the boobs down, we’ve got problems.
Look, I know when you’re pregnant you want to be comfortable, which is why I give pregnant ladies a pass when it comes to looking like they wrapped themselves up in expensive sheets. You’re carrying an extra human. You deserve it. The real problem here is the flower. What is that? It looks like an applique I found in my grandmother’s basement, because even in the height of the New Jersey eighties, she took one look at it and went “no, too much.” I would say the only way it’s acceptable is if it’s some sort of Rose of My Heart reference to either your fella or unborn mini-Portman, but that’s still pretty cheesy. And lame.
The only words I can use to describe this are “South Beach disaster”, which sounds like a new crash diet. The dress is all sorts of bad seventies colors and inexplicably scrunched, it somehow makes even Heidi Klum look shapeless, the hair is blah, the makeup is blah, and there are about eighteen too many bracelets. I’m sorry, Heidi, you’re auf’ed.
Jayma Mays has looks most women would kill for. She’s a big-eyed, sweet-faced Audrey Hepburn-esque beauty, and her figure’s as cute as a fricking button. So then why oh why oh why did she choose this black, shapeless number and try to be some sort of goth, vamp-y, I don’t even have an accurate pop culture reference to throw in here. It’s just so, so tragically bad. Jayma, sweetie. You can do better. Nay, you deserve better.
But most of all, as a redhead, I am deeply upset that she thought – nay, had the nerve – to wear that color. It’s a patently offensive and ugly color to begin with, and when you are blessed with the gift of red hair, inflicting this color on it is like… I don’t even have an apt metaphor. It’s like kicking puppies, and by puppies, I mean eyeballs.
Red hair isn’t really that hard to pair with colors, especially if you, like both Julianne Moore and I, have skin so pale it’s neither warm or cool toned. The real rule is just to stay away from pinks and reds. Is that so hard? If you could have just done that one thing, well, you’d still be on the worst dressed list, but at least you wouldn’t have offended me and my redhead honor on a deep, personal level.