Monthly Archives: May 2010

Clacking With Julia – Bones, an alternate take: the perfection in the goodbye (Originally for Clique Clack Television)

I say the following with the greatest amount of professional respect: I am actively boggled by how little Ivey understands the characters on Bones. Really, are we watching the same show? I wonder, sometimes, if this accounts for the fact that we never agree on anything. Maybe Ivey just … lives in another reality! This is the only way I could buy his fundamental blindness when it comes to the brilliant character growth exhibited by the Bones season finale, especially in regards to Booth and Brennan. Mostly, in his belief that the show writers are keeping them apart  because they don’t trust that the audience will like them together.

Seriously? That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. It’s got nothing to do with trusting the audience, and it has everything to do with the fact that this was totally the wrong time and place for them to get together. Period.

I discussed this when I disagreed with Ivey before, but when we look at why Booth and Brennan aren’t together, we don’t need to look at Booth. We as an audience have gone along with Booth as he’s fallen deeper and deeper in love with Brennan. Ivey and I also agree on the fundamental reasons why Booth and Bones left each other. What Ivey keeps failing to understand is why Brennan doesn’t get over herself and just make out with Booth already and I say, once again, that Ivey has clearly never met anyone even remotely like Temperance Brennan. Hell, he doesn’t even have to have met someone like her, it’s like he’s completely forgotten all that insight we got into her in the episode right before this one.

Let’s take a little trip down memory lane to the 100th episode. Sweets, despite his deep conviction that he was totally wrong  about everything, as usual, wasn’t. Sweets is a super-smart guy. He tends to view Booth and Brennan in an idealized way, almost like he’s a fan watching them the way we are, but his insights are often unintentionally accurate. Remember when he said that Booth and Brennan could never kiss, because then the dam would break? He wasn’t totally wrong.

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Merlin – Fathers and sisters and brothers in arms (Originally for Clique Clack Television, Co-Written with Ruby T.)

Trouble’s knocking on the gates of Camelot, this time in the form of the mysterious Morgause (played by the fabulous Emilia Fox), who’s all up in everyone’s business – bonding with Morgana, challenging Arthur to a duel (which he accepts without knowing her identity – will Arthur never learn not to pick fights with mysterious strangers?), and revealing some bits of the past that have been covered up for a long time. And Ruby and I are here to discuss it all.

Julia: So this was really Morgause’s episode, was it not? I’ve been wondering when they’d bring in that character and how, and I really, really like the way they did.

Ruby: Well, she’s another hot sorceress. I have a theory about this. When a man discovers that he has superpowers, the first thing he does is test them out, show off a little bit, maybe levitate some objects or kill someone or destroy something. When a woman gets magical powers, the first thing she does is make herself gorgeous. Like Lucy in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, she goes straight for the “spell for beauty beyond the lot of mortals.” Who knows what these sorceresses really look like? (Remember Catrina after all!) But I guess in Morgause’s case, she probably really is that good-looking, because she’s Morgana’s sister – unearthly beauty probably runs in the family.

Julia: Yeah, I was going to say, I think there’s some sort of gene. Or, alternately, they’re all on television, which accounts for being really, really ridiculously good-looking. There aren’t tons of ugly people running around Camelot, period.

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The Moth Murderer, A Case Study

If you’ve ever heard someone described as a person who “wouldn’t hurt a fly”, what you didn’t know is that the phrase totally was made up to describe me. It physically pains me to see a dead animal or hurt one. I can’t look at roadkill. There are only humane pest traps in my home or I throw tantrums. Once, we found a caterpillar in our celery and I raised it to a moth before setting it free. I’m pretty sure I named him, too, but I can’t for the life of me remember what. When I was little, I used to try to keep bugs as pets inside jars. I’d dig for pill bugs (seriously, these are my favorite insects ever) and I’d tend to the mother pill bugs who were crawling with larvae. Yeah, I was that kid. The kid who was an insect midwife. (In case you were wondering, no, I wasn’t very popular.)

So really, I don’t kill bugs. In fact, it’s a credo – unless the bug is doing something offensive such as eating my food or clothes, or biting me, or destroying my house (I’m looking at you, carpenter ants and mosquitoes), I don’t touch them. Yes, flies are annoying, but as far as I’m concerned, they’ve clearly proven, through their supreme evasion techniques, to be worthy adversaries, and I simply usher them out the door. Spiders I welcome – they kill irritants I didn’t even know were in my house. Beetles, earwigs, and what have you are politely scooped in a cup and released into the world with a bon voyage.

For years, I have driven my family and friends crazy with my yelps of dismay and lectures on how this was their land first, and now we’re living here, and how we need to share and cohabitate, and how would you like to be flushed down the toilet? But I fear my kumbaya spirit has been slain, and the creature I’m taking my rage out on?

The moth.

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Merlin – People not taking you seriously? Hire a Shakespearean actor! (Originally for Clique Clack Television, Co-Written with Ruby T.)

Julia: Okay, it was really insanely stupid for Merlin to decide to do a big old display of magic, but did you see his happy little face when he did? Poor guy, keeping such a big part of himself squashed away for so long — no wonder it came out. I just… oh, I still want to hug him to me and tell him it’s all going to be okay.

Ruby: I know it’s probably not the safest thing for him, but I want so badly for him to reveal his magic to someone — Arthur or Morgana. I think since Morgana is struggling with her gift, it would be such a fascinating new dynamic to see Merlin and Morgana share that secret and relate to each other in a completely new way. And Arthur — well, obviously, I want more than anything for Merlin to reveal his magic to Arthur. At the end of every episode, I’m left desperately hoping that maybe it will happen sometime soon. Oh well … I suppose tonight was not the right time, what with the witch hunt and the mobs and the pitchforks.

Julia: There are like ten billion different historical metaphors I could make for this whole Witchfinder fellow, but you know what, I’m very lazy. Maybe I’ll go with the easy one — the Salem Witch trials! There. Hell, they even dressed Charles Dance up in something vaguely pilgrim-esque.

Ruby: I’m honestly not a fan of “witch hunt” episodes (which have been done on any number of TV shows), because they’re so obvious. Ouch, what just hit me over the head?! Oh — it was a huge metaphor.

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Merlin – There’s got to be a fart joke we haven’t used yet, somewhere (Originally for Clique Clack Television, Co-Written with Ruby T.)

How do I summarize this episode? How do I even begin? There was a troll, and she was kind of gross, and then there was some sort of convoluted and contrived plot that involved Arthur fainting and fighting and Uther crying and… oh, maybe Ruby and I should break it down for you.

Ruby: I love Sarah Parish’s troll laugh.

Julia: I love everything about her – her comic timing, the way she alters her voice…. The woman’s a genius. I’m just sad that she went out with a fart and we’ll never be able to have her come back.

Ruby: Poor Uther! Attempting to give his wife a night to remember and rebuffed with a gust of breath so foul that it was green, followed up by a massive fart. The ten-year-old in me went, “Awesome!” I hope no newbies tuned in expecting Thomas Mallory material because Le Morte D’Arthur this is not.

Julia: Pffft. Look, I’m an Arthurian nerd with the best of them, but you can’t be a slave to what’s considered to be “canonical” in Arthurian literature, especially since it was all written after the fact, King Arthur might not have even existed, and Arthurian literature can’t even agree with itself.

Plus, I don’t care how nerdy you are — farting and poop is awesome.

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Clacking with Julia – Seven plots that would make me Glee-ful (Orginally written for Clique Clack Television)

It’s no secret that I love me some Glee, which is why I think that they should hire me as a staff writer. Clearly I can already write as Sue, so why not let me take a stab at some plots? Because I’ve got ideas, and if I do say so myself, they’re excellent ones.

One: The big article becomes about New Directions
There’s no way Sue’s going to be able to keep up the sunshine, rainbows, and love act around Tracy Pendergast, which is why he needs to stick around and expose the fact that the real accepting club at that school … is glee club. The exposé would naturally cause major problems for Sue and let New Directions sail once more to victory, and Sue’s comeback will inevitably be what I can only describe as epic.

Two: More Artie and Tina
If you’ve ever been in one of our Glee liveblogs, you know that Artie and Tina are my absolute glee club favorites. I think they’re adorable as a couple, and I want to know more about them. All about them. How did they first become friends? Are they going out now? Can they please sing adorable duets a la Rachel and Finn?

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