Monthly Archives: April 2010

Merlin – King Uther and a troll, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g (Originally for Clique Clack Television, Co-written with Ruby T.)

Merlin’s first two-parter, “Beauty and the Beast,” is one of my favorites from Season 2, simply because King Uther “Stick-up-his-butt” Pendragon finally got taken down a notch after falling head over heels for a troll. Julia got a kick out of the episode too. So here we go – the Merlin dialogues, week five.

Julia: This entire episode is pretty much perfectly built around what I like to call “The Jenny McCarthy Principle,” which is: Seeing a beautiful woman do disgusting things is AWESOME (also known as the “Something About Mary Principle”). And by revealing what I call that principle, I have just grotesquely dated myself. Right on.

Ruby: I have to say, Sarah Parish did an amazing job. She obviously put the performance before her pride. I mean, how many beautiful actresses would be willing to make themselves look that putrid and grotesque? She devoted her body, her face, her voice, everything to the part, and just reveled in the grossness of it … what a great choice for the part. Merlin brings in some fantastic guest stars.

Julia: I have to wonder what the guy who plays Catrina’s dogsbody Jonas is like in real life. He’s so convincingly un-human that I feel like there’s no way if you saw him walking down the street you wouldn’t be a little creeped out. I mean, prosthetics can only take you so far.

Ruby: I kind of like him. He’s like a little gargoyle sidekick straight out of a Disney picture. But I checked out some photos of the actor, Adam Godley, and he does indeed look creepy in real life — creepy or comical, depending on the angle. The casting director probably took one look at his ears and said, “That’s him! That’s my little toady.”

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Clacking With Julia – The lost journal entries of Sue Sylvester: The Madonna edition (Originally for Clique Clack Television)

Convincing Principal Higgins to play Madonna non-stop was the best thing I’ve ever done. I haven’t felt this empowered since I ran over my neighbor’s dog. Let them try to take this to court like they threatened. Anything that doesn’t poop on a toilet is clearly a menace to society. And that includes babies and old people. None of them can be trusted.

I continue to worry the Cheerios aren’t living up to their full potential, despite my attempts to Madonna-fy them. Where have I gone wrong, Journal? Have I not taught them all the different ways to stimulate a sex act with the same class and dignity Madonna always does? Is it perhaps time to suggest they pose naked and create coffee table books? Or must we embrace our gay following as Madonna has?

I would consider the last one, if only the gay population of this school was not limited to Will Schuester’s little Keebler elf.

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Merlin – A very special Princess Bride episode? As you wish… (Orginally for Clique Clack Television, Co-Written with Ruby T.)



If you engage me in a conversation on any topic for long enough, you’re going to figure out pretty fast that one of my favorite books/movies  in the universe is The Princess Bride. (It’s applicable to so many situations! Really, you never should start a land war in Asia. It  never goes well!) So naturally Merlin decided this week would be a really good week to totally pay tribute to this work of staggering genius. I mean, I don’t think they did it intentionally (I think it was supposed to foreshadow future love affairs or something? Whatever), but both Ruby and I noticed it independently, so clearly it was a shout-out to us. Right? Of course right.

Julia: So, let’s discuss the elephant — wait, that’s not an appropriate metaphor — the dragon in the room. The first thing I thought when I watched this was “Hey, it’s a Princess Bride spoof!”

Ruby: Well, the wildren are basically R.O.U.S.’s.

Julia: Maybe it’s just my insane love of rodents, but when the wildren went forward and sniffed Merlin, I wasn’t afraid at all. Actually, I sort of thought he was going to, like, lick him, and then Merlin would keep him as a pet. Or they’d take him out of the caves and Merlin would be like, “Can I keep him, Arthur? I promise to feed him and take him for walks! Oh please oh please oh please!” And Arthur would roll his eyes and be like, “Okay, fine.” And then Merlin would name him George and sic him on all of Camelot’s enemies. You know, in my fantasy world.

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Merlin – If Morgana went to Hogwarts … and other random thoughts (Originally for Clique Clack Television, Co-Written with Ruby T.)

Welcome back to the Merlin dialogues. This week, my fellow Clacker Julia and I are discussing a Morgana-centric episode, “The Nightmare Begins.”

Julia: I can’t help but feel that this entire episode wouldn’t happen and everything would be better if only they let Morgana into Hogwarts.

Ruby: Uther probably “misplaced” her application, if you know what I mean.

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Clacking with Julia – The Evidence in the Episodes (Originally for Clique Clack Television)

As with any team, the CliqueClack writers’ team has its interpersonal dynamics.  Usually it goes like this: Ivey has an opinion, and Kona and/or I who agree on (almost) everything, will disagree with him. Later I will check everyone else’s opinion around the internet using various fan communities, blogs, twitter, etc, and find, nine out of ten times, that people have all overwhelmingly agreed with me. I will then present this as proof to Ivey, who will take it as a badge of honor that his opinion was right because he sees above the masses, and I will take it as proof that Ivey just likes being contrary because that’s what he does. And we leave it until the next disagreement. It works well for us.

This one, though, I’m not letting go. Because I don’t just kind of disagree about the staging of a number on Glee (I agree I was wrong about the Sue Sylvester storyline, Ivey! That time was the one and only time I have been wrong, but I was so totally wrong), I vehemently and violently disagree with Ivey and the, say, 20% of you who think that the ending on last Thursday’s Bones was ridiculous, or annoying, or out of character, or could have happened any other way.

Really, you guys? You were disappointed in Brennan for not falling headlong into a relationship with Booth? You thought that would be more in-character? If so, I must quote Dr. Zach Addy. I can only conclude that you are stupid.

That, or you’ve conveniently forgotten what show you’re watching.

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Merlin – True love, epic bromance … and chicken (Originally for Clique Clack Television, Co-Written with Ruby T.)

Ah, season two, episode two. I can say with great honesty that this is my least favorite episode of Merlin (which is like me choosing my least favorite puppy out of all the puppies — it doesn’t really mean much). Ruby likes it quite a bit. I think the whole Arthur/Gwen romance is done poorly. Ruby loves it. I think Colin Morgan is magically delicious, and Ruby would prefer to, ahem, joust with Bradley James.

This is why they invented dialogue. Also, different flavors of ice cream.

Ruby: Last week, Uther didn’t want to believe that a jewel belonging to the world’s most powerful sorcerer was cursed. Then this week, Arthur tells him, “Hey, there’s this magical creature with the face of a bear, the fangs of a tiger, and the butt of a wildebeest,” and Uther goes, “Dear God! It must be sorcery!” Why is that? Is he a skeptic or not?

Julia: I think partially he’s just more willing to believe anything Arthur says, and partially, it was a pure comedy moment. Also, Uther tends, in my experience, to believe that things that are evil and mauling are magic much faster than things that are so shiny and pretty! Like jewels. Or … oh, wait, that spoils a lot of the second half of the season. Let’s just say he’s conveniently paranoid when it suits him as a plot point and leave it at that for now.

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Clacking With Julia – I want to be in a Modern Family (Originally for Clique Clack Television)

Sometimes I kind of feel like my life is like a sub-plot in Modern Family. Like today, for example. My column was technically due Tuesday, but on Tuesday I was passed out on my couch moaning and dying of the world’s worst cold, so typing was a bit beyond my skill set. Today I came home from class and sat down to type up my column, only to find that everyone who I had ever left a phone message or e-mail for had decided it would be a really great day to get back to me. So I replied to them all, and then the high farcical  tragi-comedy really starts.

First, my best friend who  I haven’t spoken to in two weeks calls back (let’s assume for this argument that I’m, say, Mitchell trying to get some taxes done and this is Cam calling to tell him about something Lily is doing). Much like Mitchell, I can’t really say no. I mean it’s my best friend! Usually I talk to her, like, every other day!

So there goes that hour and a half. At this point, we would have cut away to Jay and Gloria arguing, or something.

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