Kittens, I should let you know that, on occasion, I take a break from grading family members on the quality of their burps and pondering exactly how long I can manage to get away with wearing the same pair of underwear to engage in some stereotypically female behavior. Namely – dress ogling.
The Emmys are a fabulous time for me to do this, because, unlike at other awards shows, I know all these people. I don’t watch movies, but boy oh boy, do I watch me some television. And that makes for good oglage.
My Favorites of the Best-Dressed
Okay, so it’s a little boring, but when Shohreh Aghdashloo won, my sister and I turned to each other and went, “Ooh, if we were at the Emmys, that’s what we’d wear.” Empire waist! Grecian bust! Periwinkle blue! You can do no wrong. Bless you, my child. Bless you.
By all rights I should hate this dress. I should! It’s a floofy-skirted princess number that’s a flesh tone on a pale girl! This should be stuck in the trash and kept there, right?
Except… I love it. I love, love, love it. I think it makes Drew Barrymore’s skin look flawless, I think the pink is a gorgeous shade, and I think her makeup and accessories and hair are awesome. I especially love that she didn’t go matchy-matchy with her lips but really made them pop in red. I love the entire thing.
It’s like I don’t even know myself, anymore.
I think when you look up words like “va-va-voom” and “diva” and “curvilicious” in the dictionary, you should find a picture of Christina Hendricks. That woman has a body I would murder babies for, except not really, because shopping for it unless you’re fabulously rich and can afford custom tailoring must be a pain in the ass. But true story, I was helping my online friend Vickie with her Latin assignment (cast the pantheon with actors/actresses! Coolest homework assignment ever, right?) and the second we got to Aphrodite/Venus I went “CHRISTINA HENDRICKS.” Fuck those skinny blondes that always play her, Christiana Hendricks has the most alluringly feminine body I have ever seen. Plus, she’s a redhead, and redheads are awesome.
But enough about the lady wearing the dress, I particularly liked this dress. It made her look curvy without making her look chubby (which sometimes happens and is tragic). The color was gorgeous, the tailoring was amazing, and it’s even got a nice, subtle glitter going on which I love. Plus, the dark nails! The tiny angry emo teenager in me j’adores.
One of my gigantic pet peeves is quirky little indie actresses who everyone loves for absolutely no reason except that they’re “different” and people think that their liking them makes them alternative or something. (See also: Scarlett Johansen) One of the number one actresses who usually tops that list of women who fall under that category is Chloe Sevigny, and usually her fashion choices are so heinous it makes it easy to hate her.
And yet –
I love this entire thing. I think the hip brooch is darling. I’m not hugely fond of the other accessories, but I’ll let them slide. And the dress! It was designed by Isaac Mizrahi, who is the only designer I care to know out of all of these dresses, because he works for Target. That’s right, I’m classy. I positively ooze class. Anyways, allow me to state my joy – he made polka dots chic. How does he do that? Is he magic? Plus, the slip under the polka dots is yellow which just makes the whole thing extra-darling. I need him to be making a version of this dress at Target, and I need to buy it, and then I need an event to wear it to. But who are we kidding, I’d buy it and wear it around my house.
The Yuckiest of Yuck
Everyone’s favorite part, am I right? Now, I immediately disqualify anyone like Phoebe Price or Victoria Rowell on the grounds that they aren’t really trying to dress well – they know they’re dressing badly and are doing it to get attention. I refuse to indulge them. There are, however, people who are not deliberately trying to dress badly, in which case I feel it’s helpful for us to teach them what they did wrong. As sarcastically as possible, of course.
Poor Christina Applegate. She lost her boob and this is what she gets to wear at her first Emmys? This? I mean, where do I even start with this monstrosity? I mean, there’s the sheer midriff, which is dear Lord, fetch my smelling salts. The idea of “sheer midriff” should not be on any red carpet. Ever. Plus there’s that weird line that sort of deviates from the line of sheer fabric that goes across the chestal region that’s just… super unfortunate.
This dress is like too many trends at war with each other. If they were all good trends, that wouldn’t be too bad. The trend with these deep blues I’m down with, and it looks really good on her. But the trends of uber-sparkles and only one sleeve are both issues. On their own, they’re each trends I’m not fond of. Together on one dress, it’s like they’re battling for which one will ruin this look first. I don’t know who’s winning, but I think it’s safe to say that everyone is losing.
You know how in movies there’s that awful bride who purposefully gets heinous dresses for her bridesmaids so they won’t look hotter than she does on her special day? I kind of feel like Kyra was that bridesmaid, only she really liked the dress and thought it would be totally awesome to wear to the Emmys. Oh, Kyra. Kyra, Kyra, Kyra. I don’t know who your friend who got married was, but you need to break up with them. Stat.
Leighton Meester is tired, y’all. That’s why she put up her hair straight from the gym, used a glasses case for a purse, and added a neck pillow to her dress. Also, can I just say that I hate the two matching bangles thing? It makes her look like she just escaped from some sort of King Midas prison a la Gwen Stefani in The Sweet Escape video.
But I think the worst offender of the evening was Blake Lively. You can’t see it n this picture, but not only is the clevage on this dress beyond way to plungy, but the slit cuts up pretty much to her panty line, so the only part of her covered is from about her bellybutton down to what my grandmother used to call her “puppick”. Look, I get that you’re all hot and young and stuff, sweetie, but there’s a limit to exactly how much of you I want to see. Now, if it was just the front, it wouldn’t be too bad. It’s rather revealing. The sequins are kind of weird. But I could live with it.
And then I saw the back. Oh, sweetheart. No. Just… no. The sequins sort of look like poker chips, the back is open too? Is there any square inch of skin you cover besides your nether regions? And that weird flap. What is that flap?
And then there’s the worst offender, the skinny rat’s tail of a braid, that comes from a pointy cone of pulled-too-tight hair. That hair could ruin any outfit. But paired with this dress? Oh, B. Not cute.