Monthly Archives: July 2009

Why I love Drop Dead Diva (and other weighty issues) (Originally for Clique Clack Television)

dropdeaddivaEvery spring, my mother goes through a yearly ritual. She realizes she needs bathing suits, orders a bunch from Land’s End, and then goes to her room to try them on (usually with my sister and me in tow to voice opinions). Regardless of what she tries on, she will twist and turn to look at herself in the mirror, muttering a constant litany of “fat, fat, fat, fat, fat,” while she does so.

Of course, she never keeps the bathing suits (probably because she thinks they make her look fat), so she packs them up, sends them lovingly back to where they came from, and waits another year to start the cycle all over again. The same thing happens when she goes clothes shopping, when she gets dressed for a special occasion, and sometimes just because.

It doesn’t matter how many times I tell her she’s not that fat, how many times I point out that for a woman that’s nearing sixty, who’s always been curvier, who’s been through two pregnancies (one of which was with twins that were both over six pounds), and who has a bad leg that keeps her from serious exercise, she looks pretty damn good. It doesn’t matter that I like her exactly how she is, which is soft, and yes, a little squashy, and mom-shaped. When she looks in the mirror, she sees fat.

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Confessions of a Kasprzaktivist (Originally for Clique Clack Television)

evankasprzakDear Evan Kasprzak,

Since So You Think You Can Dance turned a hundred episodes old and danced about cancer this week, I should probably talk about that. I should stick to voicing my unpopular opinions, like that Brandon should have been the one that went home this week, or that the cancer dance wasn’t really sad, if you didn’t know it was about cancer and weren’t thereby projecting. Maybe I should make my really inappropriate comments about how hilarious I found it that directly following the cancer routine was a zombie routine, as if to say, “Don’t worry, if you do die of cancer, this is what happens to you!”

But instead, I’ve got to talk about you.  I’ve just got to. Because that’s right, I’m a Kasprzaktivist.

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Taking shots for health care (Originally for Clique Clack Television)

obamahealthcareHealth care is ridiculously, heinously complicated. And not only is it complicated, it’s pretty effing boring. 99.999% of people watching TV last night at 8 were probably watching So You Think You Can Dance or re-runs of The Daily Show. And honestly, that was probably the better choice, unless you’re all nerdy and into this like I am. And even I DVR-ed it.

I think it’s a bit of a shame, though, because I’ve never seen Obama as good as he was last night. Don’t get me wrong — I love the guy to death — but since he became president, his rhetoric has had a few weaknesses. Obama tends to speak in the global sense while ignoring the details that tend to leave big old gaping holes that any halfway decent politician could call him on. The reason no one has is because his opposition is currently too weak and busy polarizing itself while imploding under scandals like a leaky balloon, but if he had a non-crippled opponent, he totally would have fixed that faster. Last night Obama was specific but not mired down in details, inspiring without being cheesy, and confident without being cocky, and he answered the questions, which is really super-rare for any politician to actually do. He even made an oblique reference to The Matrix. Unfortunately, he was still talking about health care.

Luckily for you guys, I’m here to make being politically informed easier for you. My genius idea? A drinking game.

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That ’70s Show – CliqueClack Flashback (Originally for Clique Clack Television)

that70sshow

I’ve got to be perfectly honest – when That ’70s Show was on the air, I never watched it. It wasn’t until two or three years ago that I caught some re-runs and went, “Holy crapballs, this show is freaking amazing.”

I knew about it, of course. I’ve had a massive, raging crush on Topher Grace since Win a Date with Tad Hamilton. (Topher, you could do so much better than Kate Bosworth. Can I interest you in, say, me?) When he doesn’t have his haircut that makes him look like an eight year old, he still makes my stomach do funny fluttery things. But I never felt the need to watch the show. What a dumb premise, I thought. A show about people in the ’70s? How do you pitch that to studio executives? I can just see a bunch of nervous, eager writers lining up and going, “Look, we’ve got this idea for a show about a bunch of kids in the ’70s. And we will call it… That ’70s Show.” If I was an executive, I would have laughed in their faces and kicked them out of my office.

This is why I am not an executive.

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Mazel tov, Royal Pains (Originally for Clique Clack Television)

newpartsnewbergHere’s the thing about Royal Pains: it really shouldn’t be that great a show. The premise, as my best friend likes to remind me, is inherently flawed. Hank is drippy, holier-than-thou, and, well, my feelings on Jill are well-documented. And yet I still sort of love it, because I just find the secondary characters so gosh-darn lovable.

I honestly didn’t think I’d like any of the rich clients besides Libby and Tucker (good to see those crazy kids again, by the way), but New Parts Newberg really grew on me this episode. I find it really difficult to not like a woman who throws a Bark Mitzvah and treats her help like family. Almost as difficult, in fact, as watching Hank operate on the dog was. Rip open human bodies as much as you like, but the second you tell me a dog has a pocket of mucus and I’m covering my face and making horrified noises.

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Why Nigel Lythgoe is a giant, flaming bag of douche (Originally for Clique Clack Television)

nigellythgoeAmerican Idol pretty firmly has set the judges’ formula for every performance reality show ever. Sure, the Randy Jackson role of a wise-yet-incomprehensible black dude is sometimes rotated and a bit of a wild card, but you’ve got two roles that remain steady. First, you have the potentially psychotic yes-woman Paula Abdul type with her weird way of talking, fame from a bygone era, and rampant pills/plastic surgery/botox. And then, of course, there is the Simon Cowell — the British guy who is a giant douchebag.

Since So You Think You Can Dance is made by the same people as American Idol, they naturally follow the sacred formula, only, as if to make up for a lack of a Randy Jackson replacement, they have made their Paula Abdul, Mary Murphy, extra crazy and botoxed, and they’ve made their Simon, Nigel Lythgoe, way, way more douchey.

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Jill I am (Originally for Clique Clack Television)

jillflintI do not like you, Dr. Jill
In fact, I think you are a pill.
You are so boring and so bland
If you shut up that would be grand.

Couples should make characters more endearing
But when Evan interrupted you and Hank, I felt like cheering.
And let’s not even discuss your message on Hank’s phone
That’s when your lameness was truly shown.

Since when did you become a cliche from a teen movie?
If you could not be a stereotype, that would be groovy.
Then again, Hank is really boring,
If anyone else was with him, they’d be snoring.

I don’t find your glockenspiel story cute
I thought it was stupid, and dull to boot.
I’m not saying that I want you dead,
Just could you, pretty please, stay away from Hank Med?

(Original Post)