I, Julia Hass, have to confess something — I hate Adam Lambert.
Total shocker, right? I mean, especially considering the title of this post. But for me, this actually is pretty shocking. Because if you’ve known me for, say, a week, it becomes self-evident that I’m about 90% a secret gay man, and the other 10% is the biological structures that make me actually a girl. And as an undercover homosexual, I should tell you that there seems to be a pretty strong consensus among my not-quite people, which is this: Support Adam Lambert or you are not one of us.
He is everywhere in the internet gaytopia. Before the whole Perez Hilton/Miss California scandal, he was the hot topic du jour on sites like AfterElton (where he has won Gay of the Week an unprecedented five times and counting). Neil Patrick Harris (probably my favorite gay, and also one of my favorite people, ever) has publicly said that he and his partner both love Adam and are rooting for him to win. AfterElton isn’t even pretending to be impartial — their American Idol livechat is subtitled “Don’t forget to vote for Adam Lambert!”
Ever since the pictures of Adam came out where he’s in makeup and molesting some other dude with his tongue came out, it seems like everywhere I turn it seems like scores of gays and friends of gays are coming out of the woodwork, going on and on about how great Adam is, how he’s so innovative and original. And seriously? Are we listening to the same person? At all? Because I’m talking about Adam Lambert, that pitchy, consistently off-key screaming dude. You know, the one whose hair makes people cry? (I have heard it described as “bad lesbian hipster hair,” which I do not necessarily endorse as a descriptor — I’m just putting it out there.) The one whose clothing gets more heinous and his eyeliner gets thicker and more raccoon-like as the weeks progress. That guy.